God Exists!

His eternal presence is well-documented within some of the most prominent religious doctrines in the world. His ethereal grace is a time-honored force to be reckoned with. He is a source of everlasting love for some, yet a persistent fountain of decadence and moral decay to others. How can the concept of one ethereal Creator cause such warm and fuzzy feelings and fierce denial and hatred all at the same time? Where did He come from? Where is He going? More importantly, can He see you when you're in the bathroom?

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'll be discussing the big man himself...

The Holy Father...

The Lord of Hosts...

The Great Omniscient Puppetmaster of the Skies...

God!


Let's start with the easy stuff, shall we?

Where did He come from?
This is quite possibly the most simple question to answer, as long as you're following one of the 7,284 translations of the Bible. According to the book of Genesis, "In the beginning there was darkness..." If you're big on logic (and I know all of you Christian folk are big on logic!) then it's relatively safe to assume that God came from, well, darkness. However, that didn't last for too long. I mean, who would want to reign supreme over a kingdom of...nothing?

In the immaculate spirit of capitalism, God eventually got bored with darkness and filled the universe with a bunch of stuff for Him to personally rule over. Thanks to God, we now have light, earth, beasts to roam the earth, mankind, paperclips, Sally Struthers, and birth control!

What did He do?
Again, you can find numerous accounts of God's work within your personal flavor of the Bible. To sort of sum things up, I'll give you the Bible in a nutshell...

God created all sorts of shit, namely mankind. He sorta became displeased with Himself after mankind ultimately turned its back upon Him, so He promptly killed everything on the planet save one righteous dude and a boatload of beasts. Eventually the waters subsided and mankind repopulated the planet, leaving God to set upon the dutiful task of picking sides during the wars that followed. He killed a lot of folks, set plagues upon the survivors, then gave his chosen people a list of suggestions on how to avoid his loving vengeance. A little after that He gifted one very surprised young girl with His son, whom He had already assigned the arduous task of growing up only to die a smelly, messy death on a hunk of wood for all of mankind. After that, He sorta falls out of the picture and all of creation is left to trust the writings of a bunch of people who claimed to know something about Him.

Of course, this leaves a lot of questions unanswered for the average Joe who desires to have a better picture of the divine entity he is expected to worship in order to achieve his salvation.

What did He look like?
Unfortunately, there is little documentation concerning what God really looks like. However, that doesn't stop me from speculating!

Many like to think of Him as a vengeful god of thunder and lightening. However, it didn't really work that well for Zeus, so this concept of God has mostly disappeared from modern consciousness.


Some like to think of Him as the wise-beardy-old-guy type who looks down upon us with love and fuzzy tenderness.


Even still, some like to view him as a fearful God of wrath. But does this look like the guy who created puppies and candy?


I didn't think so!

A small minority of crazy woodland folk might suggest that He was some sort of extraterrestrial visitor from another galaxy.


...but all of us smart myspace people know better than that!

Fortunately, we live in a politically-correct society which leans more toward a socially acceptable image of God.



That's affirmative action for ya!

While trying to paint your own personal picture of God serves for a bit of entertainment on a rainy day, deep down we are all very sensitive and caring creatures. It's what's on the inside that counts, right?

Who has God's approval?
Although entire nations of people have fought and died to earn God's favor throughout history, there are only a select few who ever achieve such a glorious honor.

Like the United States!

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past century, you know that God does indeed bless America. Without His divine backing how could we ever become the most powerful country in the world, yet still manage to be the most wasteful and the most ignorant? Praise the Lord!

God also loves children...

...but he hates fags. God loves the children because they know this!

If you happen to be a nation with a history of Christian influence and are drawing plans to go to war, God generally has your side! God is all about smiting some heathens, so if you're into dropping bombs on the backwards people of the East then He's probably your man!


Who Believes in God?
Another easy one: everybody! Honestly, who could not believe in the existence of such a colorful character? One day He's blessing the children of Israel, the next He's making rivers flow with blood and wiping entire races of people off of the planet! I don't know about you, but I like my deity to be saucy and adventurous!

And if that doesn't do it for you, check out all of these awesome people who proclaim to believe in God:

Charles Manson

"I believe in God and I do the best I can everyday by everybody I can, you know."

Tom Araya of Slayer

"I was born and raised Catholic."

The Pope

C'mon, do you really need a quote? He's the fucking pope!

Little-known Facts about God
Find yourself confused by His enigmatic appearance, bipolar personality and colorful entourage of followers?



Try this postmodern metaphysical nugget of philosophical advice on for size...

God exists, but not in the same sense that you or I exist. Or even a chair, for that matter. As far as we know, God does not exist on this plane of reality or any other. He does not exist in the sky. He does not exist in your heart. My friends, God exists in your head.

If you are looking for answers at your local neighborhood church/synogogue/mosque/temple or within the Bible, you're wasting your time. By the best definition that man can objectively apply to such a concept, God exists as an abstract idea present within the minds of intellectual skeptics and zealots. He is not the stuff of fate and dreams and prayers; He is an anamorphous concept utilized to explain the unexplainable and deny the undeniable. His word is written by man and exploited in an attempt to pacify and control the masses. His law is the law of men, and his grace is a distant mystic dream designed to offer some semblance of hope and guidance to people who lack the motivation to find their own purpose in life.

He is a convenient answer for the ugly and heretical proclamations of science. He is a simple solution for a universe filled with infinite complexities and incomprehensible mysteries. He is everything you love, yet everything you fear; an all-encompassing constuct of our own imaginative minds.

Who or what is God? Don't look to the skies for your answer. Look within yourself.

Forever Yours,
Miscreant